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Where is my sugar free happy ending? | One Year On | Helena Busia

A year ago today, I sat at my laptop, and read over something for what must have been the hundredth time. It was something scary, and something I didn't think would amount to much.

That something was "Where is My Sugar Free Happy Ending". It was an essay-come-catharsis-type piece that detailed my issues with Diabulimia. Before writing that original post, I had lost my lust for life. In all honesty, the prospect of death didn't scare me. I showed no fear in response to the fact that starving myself of insulin was as good as suicide; I was thin, so what else mattered? 

One year on, I can tell you that life matters. 

A year on, I can tell you that I am able to study for my A-Levels, my brain is no longer foggy and clouded, I am filling my brain full of power- no longer letting an addiction put my ambition on hold.

A year on, I can tell you how elated I am to be going out with my friends, finally feeling what it was like to laugh again.

A year on, I can tell you that my curves are beautiful. That being a size ten makes me no less of a person, no less myself. To quote Maya Angelou, I am a phenomenal woman. 

I can honestly say sharing that post was one of the best things I ever chose to do. The response from my friends and family was incredible. But the response from people I had never met was equally as amazing. To hear someone who has struggled with similar issues to me say they had been touched by my work brings me a kind of warmth I can't describe. I have never felt more humbled. 

I even got to share my an edited version of my work on an even wider platform, VICE Media, which helped me tick being a published writer off of my bucket list!

I owe so much to the people who have supported me through this seemingly never-ending journey. For their patience and understanding, and for nagging me to test my damn blood sugars. 

It sounds funny, but I can't tell you how good it feels to be alive again. For that year, I felt like a ghost walking among the living. I was there, watching, hearing, but never able to participate; a voiceless phantom. 

So, did I ever achieve that sugar free happy ending?

I will tell you the answer.

No, I didn't, and that is because in life, there are no sugar free happy endings. But that does not mean I will stop striving for happiness every single day of my life. 

Has this year been easy? No. No year will be. I finally broke the addiction cycle that stopped me from living every full day. There are infinitely more important things in life than being skinny, and every day I take insulin, I am seeing them, and most importantly, I am living them. 

And do you know what?

It feels good to live. 

Helena

P.S. If none of this made any sense you can check out the original posts here and here!

Twitter- @they_callmebush
Instagram- @helenabush

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